Style Fix

After my party dress shopping expedition this Sunday with a friend from college, I could write for an eternity on why we were so disappointed, and had to spend seven hours just to find a cute holiday outfit. But I won’t. Instead, here are my top discoveries about current trends, designers, malls, and people in general:

1. Large, plastic, chunky jewels are popular. They are also ugly, heavy, tacky, and cheap. See the photo below of the $250+ jeweled Ali Ro taffeta shift dress? These gems are on everything in every store - from dresses to purses, from Claire’s to Betsey Johnson. Stop it, people, stop it!

2. Paying $500 for a BCBG by Max Azria dress does not guarantee that the sequins are sewn on any better than the ones on a comparable $25 dress at Charlotte Russe.

3. Teenagers without parents around are annoying. Teens without an ounce of fat trying on the exact same dress as you at the exact same time are equally annoying.

4. There is absolutely no difference between the multitude of department stores. JCPenney’s, Nordstrom, Neiman Marcus, Macy’s, Bloomingdale’s … the party dress selection was exactly the same at all of them.

5. Jessica McClintock’s designs do not have room for boobs. You have to be cup size A or maybe B to wear her stuff.

6. Coffee break midway though shopping is essential; however, other shoppers and sales associates should be fairly warned to the level of your coffee buzz (see #7).

7. Making up your own songs (and singing them loudly) that go something like “make less ugly dresses, please” will entertain everyone around you.

8. The jiggly appearance of your stomach in dressing room lighting and mirrors increases in direct proportion to the number of dressing rooms in which you have tried on clothes.

9. Super shiny, royal purple and blue are the it colors. That does not mean that you will look good in them. It does mean that 8 out of 10 females per party will be wearing one of the two.

10. Overall, dresses are ugly or cheaply made right now, but the winner - by far - for ugliest dress of them all is bebe. (See a picture here, which actually makes it look better than it does in person. You have to go see and feel it if you get the chance!)

Congrats, bebe, your $169 ripped trash bag cocktail dress out-uglied even the worst prints, cuts, colors, and styles. Not even your own ice skater-ish feathered number sans booby coverage; nor the hideously unflattering, crotch-revealing, tighter-than-skin sequined one could beat the Strapless Crinkle Oranza Dress. Nobody took it to the level that you did.